 Local opening date: 4/4/2007
Reviewed by Martha Baker
I left after the first half-hour of Firehouse Dog. I left when the titular canine began to, oh, dear, how do I put this delicately? Okay, when he began to deposit solid waste in the firehouse crew's stew.
I had been thinking about leaving this stupid movie from the moment it began because the acting was so robotic and the lines were sclerotic. In other words, I knew from the start that it is a stinkweed.
So why bother reviewing it, you ask? Because: there's so little for children to see and enjoy out there that an awful lot of people are going to innocently queue up at the wicket to pay good American money for it - although I was pleased to see that the first weekend take was way down on the list of proceeds from other recent releases. At least, someone got the message that some things aren't worth the price of eggs in China.
Firehouse Dog dog begins with two production assistants trying to convince the doggy star of a film to get off his cushioned rump and go to work. Something happens - it doesn't matter what - and the dog ends up without his collar identifying him as a star. He ends up being rescued from a burning building by a captain of a fire squad.
While the dog was being coerced by his handlers, our boy hero was skipping school. He got caught by two firefighters, who tell his father, who demands that they pick up the boy. So he's on the truck when they get called to an apartment fire.
In that little bit of time, we know that the boy's mother died (orphans are so much easier to write for) and that his uncle died in a fire with the firehouse Dalmatian. We find out that the father is grieving and not paying attention to his son, who's taking advantage of the situation.
But what we also find out is that life is like a cartoon - at least as life is depicted in the first 30 minutes of this miserable movie. That means, that for dog, child and man, any difficult situation is solved in 30 seconds, and never by thinking or going to a trusted confidante. We learn that all the bodily expulsion of unwanted matter from every orifice is grounds for hilarity. Granted, children, at least until they're civilized from their natural state as barbarians, do like their snot jokes and their poo jokes, and inserting a few into a movie is a sure-fire means to a laugh. If you take your kids to Firehouse Dog, they will laugh, because they're kids. But do you want that on your conscience? At least, afterward, talk to them about the bad acting going on up there in the name of entertainment, remind them to shoo the dog off the table, and to think before they act.
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